April 12th!

Today was day 4 of Paige still living and when we woke up we noticed that Paige was gasping for air a little bit like she was having a harder time breathing and she began to have more intense seizures than before. We also wanted to make sure and hold her as much as possible today so after I had got up and ready for the day we began to start holding her and Rose decided to come and do her hand and foot molds and other items we had wanted to get done that we hadn't got done when she was first born, I also decided because it had been awhile since she had a bath we would give her another bath and make her smell all yummy with her lotion and dress her in a new outfit. So Grandma Honey held her as Rose and another wonderful nurse and Jonathan did the molds on her hands and feet and she got all dirty from the clay. When they were doing them it was so hard to see her get more and more seizures as the day passed. When she was all done I gave her a bath and tried to get all the clay and paint off of her and then put lotion on her and put a new hat and outfit on her and Rose grabbed her camera and decided to take some pictures of her just in her diaper, by this time Laura was with us again and they set her up all like a little model having a photo shoot done it was adorable so I grabbed her creme hat with the pink flower to get some pics of it and grabbed her pink blanket and her lambs and we got some amazing pics she was just a little princess! It couldn't have been a more perfect day with all the memories we were getting of her. My best friend called during the photo shoot and said she was nearby and was going to stop by so she came by for a little while and got to see our little model posing and then had a chance to hold her again for a little while before she had to leave. After she left Laura was holding her and she was beginning to spit up stuff and kind of gag and have more seizures and her skin was yellowish from the jaundice she was getting from not eating anything the last 4 days it was so hard to watch but we knew it was getting closer to time for her to see Jesus and we knew from reading other stories it was all part of the process. With all that was happening her heart rate stayed up really high she was just so strong willed like her Big Sister. We had Lisa and Courtney come to meet our little Angel and take their turn to hold her and we showed them the foot and hand molds and they were discussing with us about putting them in a shadowbox for us to have as a precious memory. When they left and my dad and Rachel left Grandma Honey was holding Paige for awhile and I decided I wanted to hold her for a little while before bed so my mom handed her to me and decided to go out in the hall to use the restroom so she could come back and start getting ready for bed (she told us later that she was crying out in the hall praying to God to please let this be her time to go to Heaven because I don't think Amber and me and Jonathan can watch her seize and gasp for air all night long it would be to hard on us) so I held her in my arms and asked Jonathan for a wet washcloth to wipe the corner of her eyes because all the tears she kept having in her eyes were making her skin kind of gookey so I wiped her eyes and told her how much I loved her and that I didn't want her to hold on for us any more that Jesus was waiting for her to be with him and when she was ready we would all be ok and that yes we would miss her but we would be ok, just within a few mins she started to seize alot and would lift up her head and gasp for air and all of a sudden her heart rate started to drop from being in the 100's to way down where the alarm went off and I said we are losing her as there was tears in my eyes, my mom walked in right then as I was saying we are losing her and ran to my side and either her or Jonathan called the charge nurse right away and they were in the room within a few seconds, so I continued to hold her and just say its ok you are going to be with Jesus very soon he's waiting for you. We all started calling people, I called Laura first and then Rose and the nursing staff called donor alliance to get them there in time. She passed so quickly right in my arms and at that moment I was so glad I was the one who was holding her last and I was the first one to hold her when she was born. To this day I still think about how she went to be with Jesus and how I'm so glad it wasn't a long process of her heart dropping and gasping for air, it was so much easier to see her go peacefully and quickly. Laura, Rose and my dad all showed up really quick to quickly actually they were all speeding to get there I'm sure. About an hour later our baby girl had her Daddy carry her into the operating room so she could donate her heart valves and liver to other babies. Her heart valves would go to 2 babies and her liver would go to 2-4 babies so she would be saving the lives of at least 4 babies, such a miracle! After she came back from the surgery with Rose we held her again and then waited for the people from the mortuary to come get her. It was so hard to watch her leave that room all wrapped up in a blanket. Shortly after she left the room we gathered our stuff up that we had packed all up during the surgery and loaded it on a cart and walked through the hospital with empty arms around 4am. I was so glad we left then because there wasn't many people around to see us crying and leaving with flowers and bags and no baby. We came home and got in bed to get up in like 3 hours to head to the funeral home to make arrangements for her beautiful Memorial Service that would be on Thursday evening at our church.

April 11th!

Today is Monday and Paige is still fighting to hold on and stay alive, her heart rate is still very strong and her color is really good, the nurses and staff are just amazed at the Miracle of Paige and even though we aren't admitted any more they still come in to check on us and see Paige. Paige sure touched alot of the nurses and staff's hearts and changed them so much! My mom came back early this morning and decided because of my emotions last night and even still this morning she wasn't going to leave again until we went home, she felt like she needed to be there with us for the extra support and comfort we may have needed. When she arrived I told her that we were going to hold Paige all day long and not put her down because I felt like maybe she felt like we hadn't held her enough and that's what she was holding on for. I always got this feeling that she was hanging on for us for some reason and even though we kept telling her she didn't have to fight to stay with us that we understood she would be going with Jesus soon she still held on strong.Laura came again today to be with us for a couple hours and got to hold Paige some more. I had some complications with my recovery and was freaking out about it which was the total cause for my high emotions last night and this morning so when another one of my wonderful nurses figured out what was going on and fixed the problem my emotions drastically changed immediately and I said I'm going to relax and know that we are ok to be here as long as Paige is still alive and that from this moment on I'm not going to think about when she is going to be with Jesus I'm just going to enjoy her every moment with us. I also felt that Paige was looking out for her Mommy and didn't want me to go home with this medical issue and start planning her Memorial service and ignore the problem and end up in the ER so maybe that's why she was fighting to stay alive. It was amazing to see how a medical issue being solved could change my emotions so quickly. I had prayed the night before for God to give me peace and he definitely did at that point right there, I'm so thankful to know a God who answers prayers! Having Paige be born alive and living for so long are true miracles from God and we are so thankful for all the wonderful miracles we are seeing and have seen the whole pregnancy. My sister stayed at home with the girls today and kept Leilani with her because all the emotions were getting pretty intense being in the hospital room and we wanted the girls to be able to have some normal time at home. My mom stayed with us tonight and my dad came up in the evening for a little while and they went to dinner and brought us some pizza back for our dinner. My dad ended up leaving about 9pm and we got to bed a little earlier than usual. We had noticed that there was alot of different things going on with Paige that hadn't happened before now and I had read some of the things in other peoples stories of their babies with anencephaly like she was starting to get tears in her eyes and more seizures and she also slept with her mouth wide open all night long which might have been because she was having a harder time breathing, we knew she wasn't suffering and wasn't in pain so that helped but it was still beginning to get harder on us knowing we couldnt do anything for her but hold her and tell her how much we loved her and would miss her.

April 10th!

My mom and dad came back to be with us this afternoon after they took a much needed nap from taking Nana and JoJo to the airport at like 4am this morning. Tyler and Rachel ended up dropping by for a few hours to be with us and Paige and Tori and the girls came with Mom and Dad also. So we had a full room minus 2 once again and it was really nice, Paige loved all the commotion and attention. She started having little seizures today and we found that if we weren't holding her she had less of them, guess the excitement of being held triggered them. My dr came in this evening and discharged me and Paige but because we were donating her organs and under the circumstance that Paige wouldn't live very long and we needed to be there after she had passed within an hour, the hospital boarded us in our same room we were in like we were at a hotel, I was so thankful to them for that, what a wonderful thing to do for families in these situations! I wouldn't have nurses coming in every few hours to check on us and wouldn't be able to order food or anything because I wasn't admitted any more and I took my own ibuprofen since I wouldn't be getting a bill for this part of the stay. All the family left pretty early this evening because of the work week starting again in the morning so me and Jonathan were with Paige alone which was kind of nice, my mom even took Leilani home with her. Well in the middle of the night I woke up very emotional and couldn't stop crying and was just feeling alot of emotions running through my head about being at the hospital and feeling like we would be kicked out soon and all I could think about was I can't take Paige home because if she passes away while we are there I will always have to remember those things like, we are in the room she passed in or how she passed and also because we were worried we wouldn't get back to the hospital in time for the donation because we live like 30 mins away. Jonathan ended up calling my mom in the middle of the night to see if she could calm me down and she said she would come to the hospital right away which I didn't want her to do so I said no and said I would be ok just come right away in the morning, well I still was very upset so Jonathan got Rose to come in and she said she would sit with me all night if I wanted her to which I didn't want her to have to do but I told her I didn't need a nurse to come check the monitor for me every hour that I would still be checking it myself and wanted to be alone with my baby and husband so she let the nurse know that we didn't need her to check it for us. When I finally started to calm down after Rose kept telling me don't worry you won't be kicked out of here over and over again Jonathan surprised me and brought in another nurse I had really liked and that cheered me up alot just to have her talk with me a few mins and give me a hug! I decided I would just watch some of my 7th Heaven while I was in bed and then hold the lamb that Rose had brought for Paige and us and was finally able to fall asleep for a few hours.

April 9th!

Today is Saturday and Paige is still living and has a really good high heart rate. I didn't sleep well last night just thinking about the not knowing of when she is going to pass. The un-known is way harder than we ever imagined it to be. All the family came back to be with us at the hospital today and we are all just hanging out in our huge hospital room passing around Paige. Since she has the heart rate monitor hooked up to her you have to sit in a certain seat to hold her now so the machine doesn't beep or her links don't come off! Sometimes while holding her the links move and the machine beeps but we just adjust them and her heart rate goes right back up. She loves to be held and you can totally see that by her heart rate which always goes up even higher while she is being held! I only bought her 2 outfits and had 2 hats made for her so I only had 1 for the hospital because we never thought we would need more than 1 for the hospital and 1 for the burial but we were wrong we have a strong little fighter with us so my sister is bringing some of Bellas preemie outfits and hats for Paige to wear because she shouldn't have to wear the same outfit everyday she is still with us. Thankful for my sister to allow us to use some of the cute things Bella only wore for a little while, so when we take pictures we can see and remember everyday that Paige was still with us. We are letting Nana and Auntie JoJo have alot of time holding Paige today because they are leaving to go back home tomorrow morning and won't be back until the Memorial Service. We all still can't believe Paige is still hanging on and so strong but are so happy for every moment we have with her. The lactation department brought me a breastpump to use because I am planning on donating to the Milk Bank to help preemie babies since Paige can't eat and I'm sure she would want to help other babies and use her milk. My best friend Marietta came back to the hospital today and spent about an hour with us this evening after alot of the family left and got to hold Paige for awhile again. My mom decided she would go home to sleep tonight because Jonathan was able to help me during the night and I didn't seem to need her for anything during the night like I thought I would. One of my wonderful nurses told me she would come in and check the monitor every hour without waking us so we could get some much needed sleep so I slept with Paiges lamb that Rose had brought to her and us and I slept so well, and my nurse just had to wake me up every 4 hours for ibuprofen and I would dose right back to sleep.

April 8th!

Started the pitocin this morning to get my contractions going more and I'm about 3 cms dialated so far. My dad and Rachel took the day off of work to be at the hospital with us for the birth so the whole family is with me in the labor and delivery room today and we are just chatting and hanging out waiting for the time till I feel I need to be alone and breathe through the contractions with just my mom and hubby with me. I didn't have an epidural with Leilani my 5 year old so I wanted to try and not get one this time too, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and I hate needles so that's why I always avoid the epidural. I wasn't going to close the door on getting it completely this time because I was told the induction could take several days and Paige wouldn't come down the birth canal on her own so I would just see how everything was going before I made my decision. I wasn't being checked very often and my contractions were starting to get pretty intense so I decided to have the nurse check me to see how things were progressing and how much longer I had to go and when she checked me I was only at like 5 cms and she told me it would probably be another 4-6 hours before I was ready to push so I decided it was time to kick everyone out of the room and get the pain shot through my IV so I could get some rest between contractions like I did with Leilani so I wouldn't be exhausted when it was time to push. So as I did with Leilani I did with this labor also I would dose off for a few mins and wake up breathing but this time I never completely dosed off like last time because the contractions seemed to be so much closer together than with Leilani so I would start to finally fall asleep and then wake up breathing and Jonathan and my mom would hold my hand. Within maybe 20 mins. if even that long I started doing my breathing exercises pretty intensely like hehehehe hooooo instead of hehe hoo lol and Jonathan and my mom both thought I think it might be time and right as they though that I said I think I'm ready to push so they called the dr in and they hurried up and set up everything as fast as they could and sure enough I had went from 5 -10 cms in like 20 mins. and was ready to push. During the pushing I didn't know what was going on but I literally felt like I was going to die and was delivering a 20 pound baby or something. My mom kept saying I think she needs more oxygen because I didn't look very good and they were just focusing on getting Paige out. As you see in the ultrasound picture with her chubby arm she also had shoulders like a football player and got stuck. We had discussed with my dr that if her heart rate was going down and there was a chance she wouldn't survive the birth we would go in for an emergency c-section to have a better chance for a live brith because it was so important to us because she had to be alive to donate her heart valves and liver and she had stayed alive the whole 9 months so we wanted to meet her alive if at all possible. Well her heart rate stayed high even during the time of being stuck and having to be pulled out she was so strong. When she was finally out and they put her hat on her head they laid her right on me and we were all crying and so happy she was still living, we kept just saying Thank you Jesus because that was truly a miracle after such a complicated and difficult delivery down the birth canal. Rose and my mom and Jonathan were all taking tons of pictures and everyone was crying and were just amazed she was still breathing. All the family was waiting outside the door because they also didn't think she would make it out alive or they thought she would die right away so they wanted to make sure they were right there to meet her as soon as I was ready to have them all come in. Everyone came in to meet her and were just in awe of how beautiful and perfect she looked, you couldn't even really tell there was something wrong with her when she had her hat on and she looked so much like her Big Sister Leilani. Her eyes were pretty swollen from the delivery but other than that she was just beautiful. Our photographer that was supposed to come take pictures couldn't come till 9 pm and we didn't want to wait that long because she was born at 4:44 pm and we didn't know how long she would be alive so I'm not sure who but I'm guessing Laura found another photographer that was already at the hospital and she was going to come up right away to take pics so Laura and my wonderful nurse Julia got me all dressed and ready really quick and we got some awesome pics from the photographer and Rose who was also taking tons of wonderful pics at the same time. It was all like a dream because she was still with us and we were told that would most likely not happen, so we just kept having to thank God for this little Miracle he had given us. When the photographer left we had family come back in and got pics with each of the families with Paige seperately and they each got to hold her. The Hoods and the Hales came and my best friend Marietta also came right after we had got all the pics taken. Laura from String of Pearls took her turn to hold Paige and she rubbed her little cheek and was talking to her telling her about her daughter Pearl who she would meet up in Heaven and to tell her hello for her and Paige just laid there and said uh huh in this cutest little undescribeable voice like she actually heard her and was agreeing with her about Heaven and Pearl (I'll post the video of it once we find out who actually got it on their camera because several got their cameras out to capture the sweet moment). I tried to sit there and eat some dinner as Paige was just passed around the room with different family members and they all told her how much they loved her and how beautiful she was and I just sat there and watched everyone love on her as she still was breathing. I can't remember what time people left but I know it was late and we were just enjoying all the time with her and Rose decided to bring in a cradle for her to sleep in and a heart rate monitor machine to hook her up to so we would know when she was passing by an alarm hooked up to her instead of not sleeping at all and making sure she was still breathing all night long. I still didn't sleep well that first night because I was constantly checking on her and watching the monitor and being woke up every 4 hours for ibuprofen. The reason for the monitor was because we needed to know when to let donor alliance know it was time because in order to donate she would need to be in the operating room an hour after she had passed. Donor Alliance actually stayed the whole night at the hospital thinking she would pass during the night but nope our strong little baby girl was a fighter and she kept her heart rate in the low 100's. Something I forgot to mention was when she was born we also needed her to weigh at least 6 pounds to be able to donate and when my dr looked at her she said oh yeah shes at least that she is chubby, well when they weighed her she only weighed 4 lbs 8 ounces so we were kind of sad that she would only be able to donate 1 of the items but when Rose talked to Donor Alliance she came back and told us they were going to allow her to donate anyways, talk about a flood of tears and thank you Jesus coming from us. God is so good and he kept showing us so many miracles. My nurses were so touched by our family,story and Paige fighting to stay alive. They would always come in and talk to her and were so sweet to us and they treated us like family, even when they weren't working they would call to check on us and were so surprised that Paige was still holding on.

Evening of April 7th!

The induction has been started with a pill that I will take every 4 hours during the night and I am still 2 cms dialated. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law Joane, Leilani, My hubby and my Mom are with me at the hospital along with Rose and Laura from String of Pearls that will be staying the whole night at the hospital to be at the birth of Paige. I will be taking something to help me sleep in a little while because induction could take a long time with this baby they say. My hubby and Mom are staying the night with me and Leilani will be going home to sleep with Auntie and Nana and coming back in the morning for the birth. We have the biggest room with a beautiful view of the mountains right out our window and we are at the end of the hall all by ourselves thanks to Rose and Laura!

April 7th!

Today is the big day and I'm starting to get nervous about the induction this evening at 7:30pm but also excited to meet Paige!